Final Session

I nursed Lilah for the last time today. I didn't want it to be the last time. It seems too soon. I am not ready. But I am leaving her next weekend for four days and nights (a mini vacation centered around a wedding, otherwise I would not have planned to leave her so soon) so nursing must come to an end. I told her it would be the last time, but I doubt she understood. She nursed away happily, with her eyes half-closed. My eyes were half-closed too- full of tears, remember all of the times and places we've nursed over the past 14 months. I will miss the closeness only nursing can bring. The warm feelings that create that unbreakable bond. I will miss the meditative state we both enter while nursing. A state of total relaxation- a chance to let go of everything else, even if it's just for five minutes. I will miss the confidence it give me as a mother. Even if I am feeling like a terrible mother some days I can at least do SOMETHING right. THIS I can do. I will miss the little parts of it. Lilah's feet- exact little replicas of my own- stretching out and resting against my arms. I will miss smelling and kissing her hair and her forehead. I will miss making her smile and laugh so that she spills milk out of her mouth. I will miss feeling her warm little body against mine. I will miss all of it.

Every Day is Mother's Day

Which is why it's totally fine that I am just now posting about it.

Over the past several days I've been watching this:




There is something comforting and and inspiring about caring for my children while watching a mama bird protect her soon-to-be-hatched babies in the nest right outside of our window. They say that as soon as you become a mother you become part of a tribe of other mothers, and it's true. You share knowing glances with strangers at grocery stores. You swap birth stories with other moms as soon as you meet them. But what I've found is that this is not limited to the human species. I have had several experiences where I have literally felt a bond with animal mamas. One of my most poignant experiences, and one which helped lead to my decision to stay home, was pushing baby Sophie in her stroller at the zoo. We walked past the Chimpanzee habitat and I just stared and stared at a mama chimp and her baby. She was swinging around, going about her business, and this baby chimp was on her back. It just looked so natural, like of course she was taking her baby everywhere. I locked eyes with mama chimp and got my confirmation: I am supposed to be with my baby. Instead of fighting the little voices that were nagging me to go back to work, I let go of the struggle and decided to stay home. I felt that my baby and I needed to stick together. (I feel the need to emphasize that this was the best decision for me, but not necessarily for everyone else. There are stay at home moms, full-time working moms, and a million kinds in-between and that is awesome. We're all lucky to be able to choose the best decision for us and our babies!)

So, Mother's Day. It was a lovely day. After a couple of other events we headed down to the last day of a gallery exhibit that I had wanted to see. As an amazing Mother's Day gift, I got to take this home:



Of course, the real art collector's find that I got that day was this:





What it's all about:



(Yes, that is a dinosaur. This is the most recent pic I can find of them together, taken a couple of weeks ago at the science center.)

Courtesy of Skee-Lo

When I decided to be a stay at home mom for a few years I thought part of the bargain would be having time to pursue some of my hobbies and interests. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Yea, lots of free time. The thing is, I know I do still have at least a teensy bit more "free" time now than I will have one day when I go back to work. I really want to find time for the things that interest me. Such as:

Photography- I bought a nicer camera just before Lilah was born. I play with it occasionally. I can adjust the f stop manually, do some basic editing, and take a much better picture than the average amateur out there. But that's it. Ultimately I want to never visit a Picture People again. I want to take beautiful photos of my kids, and maybe other people's. I just can't seem to find the time to learn what I need to learn and implement.

Cooking- I love to cook. I am pretty good at it. My new kitchen is huge and has semi-professional equipment. When I do have time to cook, the food is awesome. But I wish I had more time to try elaborate and gourmet recipes. I want time to experiment with new things. I kind of also want a prep chef and someone to clean up after me.

Sewing- I do not know anything about operating a sewing machine. But I wish I did. I just want to be able to sew a simple hem, make some throw pillows, that sort of thing. While we're on the topic- any recommendations for a good beginner's sewing machine?

Exercise- I'm not sure if this is a hobby, but it's something I semi-enjoy and wish I had more time to devote to. Out of all of my "hobbies," this one wins. I do work out at least 3 times a week, but gosh that's not enough. I probably devote the most time to it because it's more socially acceptable to be a sucky seamstress than it is to be a lard ass.

Craftiness in general- I love painting, scrap booking, reupholstering, etc. I did paint the whole playroom. It is about 99% done and I promise to take photos (albeit mediocre ones since I have no time to pursue photography) when it is totally finished. I wish i had more time for the little projects I think of from time to time.

While I'm listing the impossible, or at least the not very likely, let me just throw this one out there- learning to play a musical instrument. I started to learn piano at one point, but had to stop when I moved away from the piano. I wish I could play piano or even drums.

I also wish I had more time for this blog. Sigh.

The Timeline of the Nap

December 2006- January 2007, B.C. (Before Children)- I napped
January 2007- July 2007- No naps for Sophie or me (Gosh, those were fun times!)
July 2007- April 2008- 2 naps for Sophie, 0 for me
April 2008- February 2009- 1 nap for Sophie, 0 for me
February 2009- March 2009- 1 nap, accompanied by me to (a) transition her into her new room and bed, and (b) rest my 9 months pregnant self
March 2009- May 2009- 1 nap for Sophie, 4 naps for Lilah, sometimes a nap for me
May 2009- August 2009 - 1 nap for Sophie, 3 naps for Lilah, occasionally a nap for me
August 2009- May 2010- 1 nap for Sophie, 2 naps for Lilah, very rarely a nap for me
May 2010- 0 naps for Sophie, 1 nap for Lilah, maybe a couple of minutes alone in the bathroom for me if I'm lucky

And here's just a random question: At what point should one cease to hold out hope for something being "just a phase?"