Sunday, May 23, 2010
Final Session
I nursed Lilah for the last time today. I didn't want it to be the last time. It seems too soon. I am not ready. But I am leaving her next weekend for four days and nights (a mini vacation centered around a wedding, otherwise I would not have planned to leave her so soon) so nursing must come to an end. I told her it would be the last time, but I doubt she understood. She nursed away happily, with her eyes half-closed. My eyes were half-closed too- full of tears, remember all of the times and places we've nursed over the past 14 months. I will miss the closeness only nursing can bring. The warm feelings that create that unbreakable bond. I will miss the meditative state we both enter while nursing. A state of total relaxation- a chance to let go of everything else, even if it's just for five minutes. I will miss the confidence it give me as a mother. Even if I am feeling like a terrible mother some days I can at least do SOMETHING right. THIS I can do. I will miss the little parts of it. Lilah's feet- exact little replicas of my own- stretching out and resting against my arms. I will miss smelling and kissing her hair and her forehead. I will miss making her smile and laugh so that she spills milk out of her mouth. I will miss feeling her warm little body against mine. I will miss all of it.
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3 comments:
Oh B! This hits SO close to home for me! CG and I will be leaving the girls next month for a weekend (a wedding!) and I'm torn up about whether to wean E before we go. I will grieve whenever she weans, I know that. It will always be too soon.
I am sad for you. I remember how wonderful nursing is and I wish I could have done it longer. 14 months is a great long time (even though you want to keep going). Good job!
Oh, this made me get teary. I loved nursing so much, even though both times I had troubles- not enough milk with Addy, and with Eli, his CONSTANT VORACIOUS appetite every two hours for what seemed like a year straight. One of the things I cannot wait for about this baby is that moment when they hand him or her up to me, and I can put them to my breast for the first time and do that thing that, as you said, is wholly natural and wholly right and purely loving, with none of the second guessing or guilt or mixed feelings that fill so many other parenting moments. It is just bliss.
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