Just Call Me Ti-84

That's right- I'm a calculator. Not in the sense that I can do crazy math in my head. But in the sense that I am constantly adding, subtracting, multiplying, and dividing in order to make sure everything runs smoothly around here. Let me tell you- it's exhausting. The mental energy that goes into mothering wears me out- and stresses me out- far more than any job I ever had. And I'm a therapist. That takes TONS OF MENTAL ENERGY. Like many mothers, most of the decision making falls on me. This is nice, because it gives me the power to plan things and see them through the way I think they should go. However, with great power comes great responsibility (and stress, frustration, and anxiety). I am CONSTANTLY calculating everything throughout our day. From the second Lilah wakes up I calculate if I have enough time to nurse her (and if I do, just one side or both?) before Sophie wakes up. Did Lilah eat enough and is there enough left to pump out and save for later? Do I have enough time to do anything for myself this morning? No? It's cool, I'll brush my teeth when I get back home. As soon as I drop Sophie off at camp the very short hour glass starts running. Does Lilah need to eat again? How many errands do I have time to run? Will Lilah take her nap on the go, or be miserably tired until we get back home? After I pick up Sophie I have to prioritize who I need to feed first. Can Lilah wait until I get Sophie situated with lunch, or do I need to nurse her and listen to Sophie whine? Now who do I put down for a nap first? If it's Sophie, then Lilah will have to play by herself, or sit quietly on my lap while I read Sophie stories. If I put Lilah down first, then will Sophie go to sleep quickly so that they are both asleep at the same time? Sometimes, by the time Sophie falls asleep (after reading, playing, and talking to herself for what can be up to an hour) Lilah is up again. This means I have no time for a proper lunch or treadmill time that day :( If I really need to work out and Lilah is awake, how long of a work out can I get in before she stops being entertained by her own hands and feet in her swing? And once she does cease to be entertained, how long can I let her fuss before I am considered to be an evil and selfish mother? When is Shimmy coming home? He says he'll be home in time for dinner... Assuming I find time to juggle both kids while I cook something, how long do I make Sophie (and myself) wait to eat? It's nice to eat as a family, but we're hungry! And there's a 50% chance he'll be delayed for another hour OR MORE. After dinner starts the sleep calculator with Lilah. She's tired, but if I let her nap will that screw up her night's sleep? If I do let her nap, how long before I wake her up? I know I should wake her up, but I have to give Sophie a bath and put her to bed and it's sooo much easier to do that if Lilah is sleeping instead of crying because she's tired and I can't hold her. But now I'll pay for that convenience when she's up at 5 am. And this is just the framework of our week days. I'm constantly calculating bodily functions, activities (i.e., how much TV Sophie has watched today already), when I can sneak in a shower (I average 5 stinky hours between treadmill and shower), etc. etc. etc.

If I WAS an actual calculator you can bet I'd have smoke coming out of me by now. What is MOST stressful about all of my calculating is when other people minimize it, saying things like, "IT'S NO BIG DEAL." And "WHY DON'T YOU JUST DO SUCH AND SUCH?" ("because," I tell them, "then this, that, and the other will get screwed up.")

So, yea, great power comes with great responsibility. I'm getting tired of being a calculator, although I know it's quite necessary. I'd just like to take a short break. Is it possible to take a break from your own brain?