October 15

When I picked Sophie up from school today she showed me a picture she had drawn. Her teacher had written her name and the date on the back of it. The date she drew the picture was September 23. Time stood still for just one second as I immediately registered that date. It was my due date for my first baby, who I lost after carrying for 11 weeks 4 days. That doesn't seem like a long time, but it was long enough to fall in love with my tiny child, long enough to feel elated that I was growing a new life in my body, and long enough to have hopes and dreams for my baby. I remember every detail of the nightmare that was my miscarriage. It was the worst time period of my life. It was odd that I should be reminded of it today, because today was in fact Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. While I no longer think about my miscarriage every day, it is still very much a part of me. I always wear a sapphire (September's birth stone) and diamond ring that Shimmy gave me on the Mother's Day after I miscarried, as a symbol that my first baby is always in my heart. And today especially I have been thinking about him. I never got to meet him, to smell his sweet skin, or kiss the soft hair on his head. But I carried him for the short time he was in this world. I am still his Mommy and I will always love him. And I know he, and all of the other precious babies who have flown away too soon, feel the love all of us Mommies will always have for them.